Posts Tagged ‘Miscarriage’

Memory loss… a boon?

Some people claim that they remember a lot about their childhood/high school/college days. They can seemingly recollect, with great detail, their favorite past time as a kid, the first day at school, what kind of cake they had on their 10th birthday, their first crush, their first fight with their bff, and on and on. I… am not one of them… not even by the farthest stretch. I remember bits and pieces (read 3 instances) of my childhood, but thats abt it. Heck, I don’t even remember my first crush. God… I hope I had one before I met DH! Elementary and middle school memories are a big haze. High-school was beginning to join the list too, before I re-connected with my high-school bff about 4 years ago. She used to talk abt all the wonderful experiences I had and how I enjoyed every minute of it. And I could barely identify with the things she was referring to. I felt bad that my memory failed to hold onto special moments. I wish I could just think back and bask in the joy of what were undoubtedly the most self-transforming years of my life. Until now…

You see, the brain treats every experience with equal justice. It doesn’t know the difference between a joyful moment or a sad moment… at least mine doesn’t. It remembers what it can. And, the past couple of months are not something I want to hold onto forever. I don’t want to remember that I was pregnant,  that I saw a flicker of a heartbeat, that a beautiful little fetus was growing in me, that it was our baby that was happily nestled in me, that it was suffering so much to hold onto life, that I got to a point where I was sick and tired of the seeing it suffer that I wanted to end it, that it spared me the choice and ended its own life, that the pain of the miscarriage is unbelievable. As much as it was near and dear to my heart, I want to forget it. I want to forget it all. Strange… I know. But I have a feeling that I have little choice here given my past history of memory loss. Its going to happen one day or another. It might as well be sooner than later. Life moves on and I can’t afford to be stuck in yester-land!

OK… enough of the philosophical ramblings. Let’s get back to reality…

So how have I been doing so far? Really good actually. For the past couple of weeks, I have been working out regularly, been eating well and taking care of my rock star DH. I have been able to get through days at a stretch without thinking abt babies/IVF/IF, which is awesome. BTW, I believe I am finally not pregnant. My hCG levels having been dropping very well.

5th BW – Jan 27th, 24dpm(days past miscarriage), hCG : 15.5

6th BW – Feb 4th, 31dpm, hCG : 5.5

The RN said they didn’t need to do a follow-up BW. I promptly scheduled a WTF appt with my RE for the Feb 18th. Can’t wait to hear him say that it was just a “run-of-the-mill” miscarriage! Whatever! Actually I don’t particularly care much for the history, I want to talk to him about the protocol for IVF#3. The planner in me is craving for a schedule! Something that gives me a “sense” of control for all thats going on.

And a philosophical thought to finish it off…

Ahhh…. and again… one day… a couple of years from now, I will look back at all of this and not remember a thing. Wow… that must feel good. Thank god for my memory loss. I feel blessed! :)


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Back from my vacation

No no… not a real one. Back to my blogging world that is. I am still alive… Still pregnant! I have successfully gone a week and a half without thinking abt babies, pregnancies, or the lack there of! So YAY for that! I have been doing great (hence the no whining/blogging for a while now).

Things that have kept my mind off of insanity…

1) Trying to eat healthy: I used to pack lunch for DH and me before all the IVF madness started. But, I have been using the hormone-induced bloating/tiredness/sickness as an excuse to eat at the cafeteria and have been eating out quite often for dinner too. I put some breaks on that and have decided to cook a lot at home. And the bonus is that I like cooking and it is relaxing too! Win-Win I say.

2) Working out: Ah… yes… I have been bitten by the bug too. TEN pounds…. yes, thats right… one zero, 10 pounds… the weight I have gained over the last year. 5 of those were gained in the last couple of months due to the pregnancy. I am now down to about 4 pairs of pants that I can comfortably wear… sucks! Since a week after the miscarriage, I seem to have more energy than I have ever had in the last 4 months (thanks to the lack of hormones). And I feel great! So I have decided to put that energy to some good use. Starting slow with moderate biking/eliptical for 30 mins 3 times a wk. It is awesome! I hope I can keep up with this.

3) Work: My biggest time drainer of all! Due to my miscarriage, I took almost half of december off from work and have fallen so behind that I had a LOT of catching up to do. I returned to work just 2 days after my miscarriage and have been at it since. So far, so good. After a long time, I feel like I am doing my best at work too. Less distracted, no worries abt how many eggs I will make/is it implanting/is its heart beating/is it dying!! I feel like I am back! :)

Basically, I am doing anything and everything that I couldn’t do over the last 7 months and using every opportunity I can get to “forget” the fact that I was pregnant! The key is, if I don’t think about it, if I don’t remember it, I won’t have to deal with the emotions!



BTW, for those of you who are interested in the details of my hCG levels/miscarriage details, here you go…

1st BW – Jan 5th, 2dpm(days past miscarriage), hCG : 3386

2nd BW – Jan 7th, 4dpm, hCG : 2151

3rd BW – Jan 13th, 10dpm, hCG: 259

4th BW – Jan 20th, 17dpm, hCG: 51.1

So dropping nicely, I would say. Next one is scheduled for Jan 27th. The RN tells me that I might take two more weeks to get to zero. After that, it would take me 4 more wks for my period to start regularly! And that’s the earliest I can start another cycle. So, my next IVF cycle is atleast 6 wks away… looks like I will be stimming around March/April. I don’t think I am too sad abt it though. I am feeling so good now-a-days that I don’t want to go back…. yet. I want to enjoy where I am.

I am sure this feeling won’t last but… hey… one day at a time… right?!!!

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First of all, Wish you guys a very happy and prosperous new year. May the new year bring all your wishes and desires to life.

The last two weeks of 2008 can be best described as the worst emotional roller-coaster ride of our lives. After a total of 6 ultrasounds,  at 9w3d, our fighter decided to leave us once and for all. Both DH and I feel completely dejected. But in a way, we are glad that we are close to the end of this madness. Our little bean has been struggling so hard to stay with us that it became painful to go to the ultrasounds. Sorry that I haven’t been updating you guys as often as I like. This was the first time in weeks that I have found some energy to log in to the net. I hope you guys understand. So here the update… 

At our u/s#5 @ 9w, (exactly a week after my previous u/s which gave us hope — last post) our baby had not grown at all in a week (still measured 6w3d) and the HB was very sporadic.  Sometimes, they clocked in a 115bpm but at times it was 80bpm. It was really painful to watch. DH was most the most devasted that day. I have never seen him like that. I was sad too but seeing him like that just tore me apart!

My RE’s office wanted to wait another week so “the pregnancy can decide its viability for itself”. For F’s sake, isn’t it obvious that if the baby has not grown at all for a week, it is not viable??! Why couldn’t they just make a decision to end it? According to them, as long as their is a HB, they will not “recommend” anything to end it. Bullcrap! But of course, I have the option to end it. It would be called a “therapeutic abortion” — not a “miscarriage”. Which means, I willingly terminated it when there was a possibility that it would have lived. Goodness gracious… there was no way I could do that! Not after going through hell and back to have a kid. And especially not after so many PIO needles. To tell you the truth, deep inside, I was still rooting for the kiddo… hoping for a miracle. In any case, I got them to see me again in 3 days instead of the 7 that they suggested.

u/s#6 @ 9w3d  closed the chapter. No HB detected. Neither DH nor I were shocked to hear that. We were sad… yes… but schocked…no. My RE’s office gave their recommendations. First, stop all PIO and Estrace and hope that the “tissue” passes naturally. If that doesn’t work, take medications to start the process. And if that fails too, a D&C – a procedure where they dialate my cervix and remove the pregnancy tissue from my uterus via suction. I asked about a getting a D&C up front so I could be done with it. But, they advised me against it cause it is an invasive procedure and the uterus can take longer to heal and hence longer to get ready for the next IVF cycle. Getting to the next IVF cycle as soon as possible was important to me, so no D&C for me (for now).

I ended up having to take the misoprostol to start the miscarriage. I shoved the 4 pills up my vajayjay yesterday evening. And thank God they gave me some narcotic pain killers cause I needed it! I believe I passed the “tissue” at 2:30am or 4am. TMI coming up next… skip to next para if you don’t want to read. Those are the times I passed two plum sized clots!! God it was awful! The cramping was unbearable even after I took the pain killers. They subsided after 7am and all bleeding has completely stopped by 4pm today.

I am beginning to feel like my normal self again. I haven’t felt like this for the past 3 months. I go in for a u/s tomorrow morning to check if I am all clear. If not, I get a second dose of misoprostol. No biggie… I can do this. I feel so positive after a long time. It is just weird. I was told that I would have to wait for another normal bleed cycle or two before I can start another IVF. A two month break does not seem like a bad idea at this point. This entire experience has been so nerve-wrecking and emotional for the both of us that I am not sure we are ready to jump right back in anyway.

Hopefully the new year brings each of us the bundle of joy that we struggle so hard for!

God Bless!

P.S. : I haven’t opened up my google reader for the past two weeks either. I hope to catch up on all your blogs by this week. :)

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Moving on…

Thanks for all your kind words and support. They mean a lot to us.

I did much better than I had expected. Since I got the news on Wed morning, I have been letting tears trickle down, but the floodgates hadn’t opened. I didn’t want to cry in front of DH. I felt bad for him. His exams were the following weekend and I was worried that if I got too emotional, it would affect him. But on Wednesday night, as I shot up the PIO, the floodgates opened! Oh my… Oh my… I couldn’t stop it. The mere thought that all these needles and pills couldn’t save the kiddo was just too much to take on. DH came running from the living room and I just lay on the bedroom floor letting it all out while he lay beside me and patted me! But, it was worth it. Both DH and I were glad that I let it out. In fact, he later told me that he started to worry that I hadn’t cried yet.

I woke up the next day with a mild headache but felt fine enough that I decided to head to work. DH had some important meeting that he had to attend to in the morning and there was no way I was going to sit at home alone. I would drive myself crazy. I went in for just a half a day but I was just physically there. I didn’t get ANY work done. I just sat at my desk and stared at my computer. Not productive whatsoever. But, I was glad I got out of the house. PIO that night opened the floodgates one more time. I hate it. Why do I have to keep taking these shots even though there’s no live baby in there!???! What did I do wrong? I have never meant harm for anybody ever. Not fair. Not fair at all.

By the weekend, I was done. I AM done with it all. I wanted it to be over. I just want to move on. I want to get rid of what is remaining in me — I know it is soo “un-mother” like but I don’t care. That’s how I feel. I am just numb to all my feelings. My head knows that it stopped growing because there was something genetically wrong with the embryo. So I have accepted that it was OK that the PG didn’t continue. I am glad and thankful that it happened this early in the pregnancy. We were just beginning to get attached and the pain of separation would have only gotten worse the later it would have happened. We hadn’t told anybody (other than you gals of course) and even though it was difficult not telling… (especially my family), we are just glad that we didn’t. I can’t imagine telling my mother that her grandkid has died. Yeah… so glad I resisted telling her! All I want to do right now is plan my next IVF… plan my path to a healthy, live baby. We are over with the emotional aspect of this. (At least that’s what I want to believe).

As DH said the other day, we DO have somthing to celebrate about… At least I know I can get this far in a pregnancy. At least we know that our genes can survive together (albeit for a short time). At least we know what got us here and we can get back here. So true! :)

On a non-IF note, Portland got dumped with a couple of inches of snow yesterday. I know it isn’t much when compared to places in the north and the east coast. But it rarely snows here. And when it snows, most of city comes to a screeching halt. So DH and I are working from home today. Love the snow days!

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