Welcome 2011!

New year. New beginnings. Lots to hope for. And lots to wish for. Hope all your dreams and wishes come true!

It has been 6 weeks since my last update. Let me start of by saying that the boos are doing very good. Both are alive and their hearts are beating away. God bless them!

But the last 6 weeks have been very tough for my extended family. 3 deaths in the relative circle — 2 unexpected and 1 expected — each a week to a week and a half apart from each other. The last one is my grandmother — my dad’s mom. And it has been tough, very tough. She had been bedridden for more than a year now but her loss, even though a relief because she doesn’t have to suffer anymore, is tough for me. She really wanted us to have kids. And I never got a chance to share the fact that she was going to be a great-grandmother pretty soon. I will forever regret that. Another unfortunate situation was that I had to be the one to break this news to my dad. And telling someone that their mom has passed away is something I would NEVER want to do again. Hubs was travelling during this time and luckily I was at a friend’s place when I got to hear abt this. I am forever grateful for my friend who helped me cope with this and let me stay over their place for the weekend while I recouped. It has been a little over 2 weeks now. DH is now back home. And we are coping very well. We have now adjusted and the pain has subsided substantially now.

Pregnancy wise, the boos and I are doing very good. Touch wood. We are in the second trimester now!! If I had any energy, I would be doing a happy dance every time I say that… but nevertheless, you can picture me doing one. I know. Unbelievable. I am 14 wks today. Crazy! I wanted to do a celebratory post when I hit 12 wks but a little thing called guilt held me back. I have been feeling a lot of that lately.

I have had lots of other milestones since the last time I posted. Here’s a list:

1. P4 started rising all on its when I hit 8 wks
2. Completed weened off of all the CCRM medications
3. Scan at local clinic to see the boos again where I saw them move for the first time! Brought me to tears! OK fine… more like bawling because it was the day my grandmother passed away!
4. First high-risk OB appt
5. Graduated from CCRM!!! Big Day!
6. A normal NT scan report and seeing them move again
7. 2 more OB appts and scans aka more moving babies

But every single time I wanted to celebrate it and announce it to the world, if not for the sadness from the family incidents, the guilt held me back. There are a lot of people out there that are still in the throes of infertility and those whose scars run real deep… much much deeper than mine. I don’t know, somehow it justs felt wrong to celebrate even though I was happy. Especially since we have started let people IRL know abt this, every single time I hear a “congratulations”, I think to myself… do they really mean it or is this news hurting them in a big way?! I know… I know… I should be happy that I have gotten this far and try to enjoy it. Trust me… I am enjoying it. I just have to convince myself that it is ok to share.

Today, for some reason, it felt ok to share. It could be the new year, the fact that I hit 14 wks, or just that I feel quite energetic today. Don’t know. Since I have kept you in the dark for so long, I have added more updated pics of the boos here.

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Culprit and ultrasound update

Things have calmed down. I only see a spot every now and then now. Thank the heavens! I was at work when I saw this. I rushed home and have been on a self-imposed modified bed rest ever since. Taking it as easy as I can.

Thank you for your comments. It was very reassuring to hear that I am not alone and that I am lucky that I am only spotting! I will gladly take all the luck that comes my way! It totally helped put my mind at ease. Thank you!

On top of that, I have been told by five people IRL — two nurses at CCRM, nurse at my perinatologist’s office, a couple of friends — that the culprit is most likely  wanda at the ultrasound. The nurse at the peri”s office was the most helpful. She said that the timing of the bleed (day after the ultrasound) suggests that it is likely the ultrasound and that since it took a day, it is a good sign that it is most likely a small bleed and will subside quickly. Apparently, when wanda is pushed against the cervix and the uterus, it can disturb the sensitive lining of the uterus and hence cause it to bleed. The bleed, she said, could last upto two days. And of course, I get to call her (and CCRM) if I am soaking an entire pad. I was told that I could continue activities as normal and don’t have to be on bedrest. Just no lifting 25lbs or higher, no jogging, etc etc. No worries there.

Now that I try to think abt what happened at the ultrasound, I clearly remember it hurting when the tech was trying to look at my ovaries. I didn’t say anything at that point because I just wanted all the measurements to be normal. So my guess is that the “hurt” is what translated into the bleed yesterday.

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Talking abt the ultrasound, I owe you guys a proper update. We showed up on time at the office only to find out that there was a scheduling snafu. I was told that I don’t have an appt and hence couldn’t get my ultrasound there. Saying that to a woman who is… uhem… “patiently” waiting for her first ultrasound is not such a good idea. Anyways, long story short, they decide to get us in. After waiting in the waiting area for what seemed like an eternity (probably was 15 mins of earth time), the tech called us in.

She got started with the scan. My hubs was standing right next to me holding my hand. And then there was silence… for what seemed like another eternity. All I could hear was clicking of the buttons at the ultrasound machine. And the tech did not say a word. My only saving grace was that she was clicking buttons… which meant she was measuring something. So not all hope is lost. Then I asked something along the lines of “Can one of you just tell me something?”. To which the tech replied, “Sorry, I will update you once I am done with my measurements.”. Of course, hubs could see the monitor but he had no clue what the hell he was seeing. But he kinda squeezed my hand and smiled. I am thinking he must have seen the black sacs.

Finally, the clicking stopped. The tech told us that she saw two sacs and two heartbeats and proceeded to show these to me. With a tear running down, I asked to hear the heartbeats and she oblidged. The best thing ever! They were both measuring ahead of where I was but history has taught me all too well that ultrasound measurements this early are not that accurate. I am yet to hear details on CRL measurements. Some paperwork fiasco between the office and CCRM. One says they have faxed the report and the other says they haven’t received it! I am going to try to resolve that today.

I still can’t believe this is happening to us. After so many years of disappointment, can this be true? I am just going to count my blessings! Wow!

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In other news, as I was rushing home yesterday after the scare, I got a call from the peri’s office. They have an appointment slot for me. They want me to come in for an ultrasound on Monday and a doctor’s appt on Wednesday. I was not in a mood to celebrate yesterday. But, I will be seeing the kiddos again. Woo hoo! Actually, this has made me a little anxious as well. We will get to see if they are growing at the right pace. Fingers crossed.

I see red!!!

An hour ago, when I inserted my prometrium I saw blood! It was light. Maybe two or three drops on the liner. But it was red. And red is bad.

Please… if you have a prayer to spare, please send them my way!

Ultrasound is done…

Went good! Went really good!

Two sacs. Two embies. And best part…. Two heartbeats.

I will update later with actual numbers and pictures. Both dh and I are ecstatic! Thank you!!

Nerves!

First ultrasound is tomorrow at 8:30am! Need I say more?

If everything is normal tomorrow, the embies would have progressed farther than they had come during my last pregnancy. Praying and hoping that that is indeed the case!

Symptoms wise… this indigestion thing is killing me! I don’t know how I am going to get through this pregnancy this way. Literally… I cannot eat a proper meal! I eat a snack for a meal and my snacks have come down to bites. I am surprised that I can actually function with so little food. I started drinking a cup of prune juice 2 times a day starting yesterday. Hasn’t helped so far. I am going to start Col.ace tonight. I REALLY hope that rectifies the problem. Any suggestions that you have would be appreciated. I probably have other symptoms as well… but this one is so big that it masks everything else. Love that I am having something to tell me that my body is busy building a human but starting to get worried that I am not getting enough nutrients.

 

Hormones, Docs, and Symptoms

Last week, my emotions have been ALL. OVER. THE. PLACE!!! Seriously, this is insane. I can switch from being completely rational abt this P4 thing to… freaking out that the current “cramping” that I am having is different to… oh no it is just normal cramping to… freaking out again in… oh… abt 5 mins! All in all, I have been much calmer since the past weekend. I have resolved to trust the CCRM folks for now.

I retested my E2 and P4 levels yesterday (exactly a week after the last test). E2 is 1187 and P4 is 9.1. E2 has risen so high that CCRM wants me to drop to 3 patches everyday + the estrace pill. My p4 went up by a measly 0.1 points!! BLAH! Whatever. The nurse said that she is happy abt the levels and to stay on the same 4x of Prometrium a day. I am done worrying abt this…. mainly because of my symptoms.

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I have exchanged a whirlwind of emails back and forth with various docs (or their nurses). Being unsettled abt the p4 levels, I emailed my local RE asking for his opinion of the entire situation. His response was that there isn’t much data on serum progesterone levels when on vaginal suppositories. And that it is true that it doesn’t show up as well as the PIO levels and just trust the CCRM docs because they should know abt this. Basically a “don’t freak out” message! I trust this guy. He has seen me through 3 fresh transfers, a frozen transfer, and a miscarriage. He knows how badly I want this. So that is one of the main reasons I am a little relaxed abt this issue.

Next I emailed my regular endocrinologist abt whether he wants to recheck my thyroid levels since I am pregnant now… yes. So got that done. The levels were within normal but he did go ahead and increase my dosage to 112mcg.

Then comes my hematologist. I don’t have to increase my lovenox dosage. And yes, I get to stay on it for the entire pregnancy! Sigh! It is definitely not as bad as it is when I started with it. Does not sting and does not bruise. I think my tummy just got used to it.

And here is the biggest move of last week. I have narrowed down my choice on the high-risk OB and the hospital. Thanks to a friend, I found out that the big teaching hospital has a level IIIC NICU which is the best in the state. There is one other hospital, which also has a level IIIC NICU, but deals with premies who need complicated surgeries. The only problem is that it is much farther drive to get there. So decided to settle with the big hospital which has all my records from the beginning of time. I talked to nurse K at the peri’s office regarding getting my first ultrasound with them. It turns out that need a “transfer of care” notice from CCRM (for insurance purposes). And even though I faxed a transfer of care request sheet to CCRM, they have refused to transfer me over until after my 1st ultrasound. Besides, it turns out that the peri’s office is only open for diabetes patients on Monday (my u/s day) and I would have to wait until Wednesday when my doc is in. No Thanks. I had already scheduled an appointment for the ultrasound at an imaging place with the high-res ultrasound equipment. So I am going to keep it.

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Symptoms have kicked up a notch since last weekend. My digestive system has come to a screeching halt!! Literally… this may be TMI… but I went 3 days without have a BM! Oh. My. God. I couldn’t eat anything more than a snack at a time and I looked 5 months pregnant from the bloat! Hot water and some home remedies helped for a bit… but it is back on. The nurse said I could take Col.ace but I don’t want to change anything until ultrasound day.. so I am going to take it like a champ! I have been feeling light nausea on and off since Friday. But yesterday morning (6w1d) for the first time, I paid homage to the porcelain goddess! I felt so proud and happy! YAY! More than the nausea, the dizziness is the most prevalent. Mornings are especially rough since I have to take my thyroid medication on an empty stomach and stay that way for a 1/2 hour. The dizziness is insane during that time. Once I get something in my stomach though, things are much better. Thank God my mom is here to feed me. I would pass out on the floor if not for her. So yes… symptoms galore. And I am very very grateful for that! I couldn’t ask for more!

Even with all that said, I am still shit scared about Monday’s ultrasound!! Please let this work! Please!

Unfair

My heart goes out to Mo and R. This is crazy stuff. They have done everything right and then some. Life is unfair. IF is unfair. If you haven’t already done so, please head over and offer some much needed support.