TWO

… were biopsied today.

Out of the initial 6, 2 made it to early blast and then stopped; 2 didn’t even make it to early blast; 2 made it to blast, were biopsied, and vitrified (frozen).  Out of the 2 that were biopsied, 1 was at a 2/3 stage and 1 was at a 4BB stage

Out of the later 3 ICSI’d on day 2, none of them made it. All of them stopped growing.

Yesterday, I didn’t think any were going to make it. So I should be happy today. But, I am far from it! Why am I not happy? What is wrong with me!?!

I haven’t completely failed at the best lab. $20K is not completely down the drain. 2 blasts for $20K. $10K a piece. Not bad! But then, I will know for sure in 4-6 weeks when the micro-array results come in.

I am still pissed off abt the crappy blast rate. But I need to get over it. I promise I will get over it. I have to! I left a message asking for a Doc consult. Still haven’t heard back from the nurse. All this calling-and-leaving-messages is getting irritating!

THANKS for all your comments and support over the last week! They really helped! I needed them. I really needed them!

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Hot mess…

That is what I am right now… both literally and figuratively.

Shit scared that I am going to get a call from CCRM anytime now saying that NONE have made it to a blast. (They are supposed to call me today with a Day 6 report but I haven’t heard from them yet).

Things that are running through my mind right now…

1. I have failed at the best lab in the country
2. $20K down the drain with nothing to show for it.. literally nothing!
3. How will I face DH when he comes home tonight? I have failed him. I know he doesn’t think so. But I can’t help but feel that way.
4. What do I want to do next? Should I cycle again? I want to cycle again.. but how do I convince DH (and myself) that the next time would be better? Will they put me on a different protocol?
5. Still pissed off at the coasting stuff that they put me through. Wondering if that is what screwed up my egg quality and count… I don’t know. At this point I am willing to point blame at anything but myself!
6. I want all this to be over. I can’t ride this roller-coaster for ever. For the first time… adoption seems like a slight possibility. Cannot… have not given up on my genetic child. But… the thought of my DH growing without a child makes adoption a possibility.
7. My exam for this course that I am taking is on Wednesday. I am trying so hard to go through the notes/slides/lectures… but nothing is sticking in my head. If I get anything less than a B, I have to shell out $5K for this course (otherwise, my employer covers the tution for this). And I’d rather use that money for another cycle than spend it on tution!
8. I want to feel better. Fever and bodyache joined the headache and diarrhea yesterday evening. OHSS symptoms have subsided a bit — I only look 2 months pregnant now! I peed every hour for 6 continuous hours last night, and I wasn’t drinking water in-between — I bet thats what helped bring down the water retention. Tylenol helped bring down the fever but I am still tired.
9. I want DH to be home. I don’t like hate being sick alone. Can’t wait for his MBA to get over. He gets done in December. Counting down the moths!
10. Dreading the consult appt with Dr Sch. I am afraid that he is going to bring up the donor egg story again. He can’t throw that at me. I specifically asked the embryologist last time if they saw a quality issue with the eggs… and she said that there were no notes on that and hence they must have been fine. He just can’t say that my eggs are old… just cannot! You know it is not that I am completely against donor eggs… the genetic link aside… where am I going to find a donor that is of an Indian descent? Trust me… if this was possible, this is waaay easier for me to bear than adoption. At least I am involved in the process!
11. Did I mention… I have failed at the best lab in the country!?!

I am done.

OK OK… I know what you are going to say… “Don’t jump the gun just yet. You haven’t heard abt the day 6 report yet. So just give them a chance to call you.” But I just had to get all this out. Maybe now I can concentrate on studying for my exam!

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Day 5 after ER

I took my phone everywhere I went. To the restroom, to the shower, to the dining table, everywhere! I lost hope that they were going to call me at all today. I had called and left two messages to the embryology lab… but nothing. Until 5pm denver time…

They couldn’t even biopsy a single blast. Out of the 6 that fertilized on day 1, only 1 made it to an early blast stage. ONLY ONE!!! Even that is not at a biopsy stage. They are going to watch it for one more day and hope that some of them catch up.

It didn’t even occur to me to ask abt the 3 that were ICSI’d on day 2.

I don’t think I have to say how I feel.

Besides the mental torture, I am physically in pain too. I am sure I have mild OHSS. I look like I am 5 months pregnant. Add diarrhea, tiredness, headache, and a nauseous feeling to it as well. DH is out of town… which makes this that much more unbearable.

I am just going to go curl up in bed and hope that I can wake up from this nightmare. I am also going to make a conscious effort to stay away from any sharp instruments that I can self-inflict some damage with.

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Day 3 after ER

We are finally home. To tell you the truth, it felt odd to be home. As we were taxiing before take-off at the denver airport yesterday, I kept telling DH that it feels weird to leave the embies behind. It just didn’t feel right. DH was funny… he was like “Its not a bad thing you know… we are just teaching them survival skills by leaving them alone”. True… and they need them now more than ever! :) We finally said our goodbyes as the plane took off and told them to live on for atleast the next 3 days.

And as we landed in PDX, we said hi to our 1 frozen blast here. So it wasn’t a lose-all situation :)

Today, I didn’t hear back from the embroylogist until 10:30 denver time. Usually, they call by 9:30 denver time. Luckily, I was able to get hold of the embryologist on the phone. So here’s what our embies look like today.

Out of the 6 ICSI’d on day 1, 4 are right where they should be and 2 are a little behind.
10 cell – little fragmentation
8 cell – no fragmentation
8 cell – no fragmentation
6 cell – little fragmentation
4 cell – no fragmentation; little behind
4 cell – some fragmentation; little behind

Out of the 3 ICSI’d on day 2, all 3 have cleaved!!
4 cell
2 cell
2 cell

I am sooo happy that none of them have arrested. This is frigging awesome! Then she said that they are going to culture them to blast.

Now my friends…  this is where my nervousness climbs to a whole new level. I have always had day 3 transfers. It is day 3 today and I am not even in Denver. I am not bringing my embies home with me today. I am not going to be PUPO today. I am still trying to get used to this!

I have only made 1 blast EVER — still frozen from IVF#1. This is where I lay all my hope and faith and trust on the CCRM lab! Please lab… shine through for me… shine through for my embies!

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Day 2 after ER

Today, I made sure my phone ringer was turned on. When the phone rang, the voice on the other end said…

“We performed day 2 ICSI on the 3 eggs that we were able to mature in the lab. And all 3 fertilized normally. This is really great! So you have a total of 9 embryos. They will call you tomorrow regarding the day 3 update.”

I was literally jumping up and down with DH. Thanked her a million times. And now onto you guys… THANKS for the well wishes! My embies REALLY listen to you!

YAY!!!! 9 is an awesome number! Never in my wildest dreams did I ever imagine this good of a fert report. I credit this to the lab. Now I just want this lab-goodness to continue for 5 more days!!! Please please let this continue!

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Day after ER

Today is a big day. Today is the day I would know more abt my eggies…I had my phone right next to me since 7am today morning. But it turns out I had it on vibrate… ugh… missed the call from the embryologist. She left a message. It goes like this…

“We retrieved 10 oocytes yesterday. Out of the 10, 7 were mature. We performed ICSI on the 7. 6 survived the ICSI and fertilized normally. The remaining 3 immature oocytes were matured in culture. We would like to perform day 2 ICSI on them. Please give me a call at blah blah blah to let me know if that is ok with you”

I was like hell yeah… ICSI them all. When I called her back, I asked her abt the chances of the in-vitro matured eggs. Her take was that the fert rate of those eggs are lower than the already mature eggs. So yeah, if anything we can expect one more embie out of the three! We will know more tomorrow.

As DH and I were listening to the message, my heart just sank when she said only 6 made it. But as soon as she talked abt the 3 immature eggs, my eyes lighted up. We might have a slight, slim, tiny, minuscule chance at getting to two normal blasts. I am hanging onto that thread of hope.

DH and I are just ecstatic. We are not out of the woods yet… (are we ever??!). There are a lot more hurdles to cross. But this is an important one.

And THANKS for your well wishes and comments. I know my eggies heard you. Thank you! Please don’t stop… keep them coming… at least for the next 5 days!

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