It is over

Took an HPT today morning. Its over. A stark white window with nothing but 1 line.

No tears. No crying. Went back to bed. Told DH “This cycle failed”. He said “OK”. He was deep in his sleep. I don’t even know if he heard me. I just lay around in his arms for a half hour. Got up, took a shower, and went on to do the preparations for the morning New Year prayers.

It is either that I have seen so many of these BFNs that it doesn’t faze me anymore, or that I am glad that I didn’t get two lines now that later ends in a miscarriage. Or it could be that it hasn’t sunk in yet. Whatever it is, I seem to be doing OK.

DH got up and must have seen the negative HPT in the bathroom. He came over to the kitchen and said “It is OK. We will get through this”. I choked up for a couple of secs but then went on with whatever I was doing. Goddamn… writing this out is making my eyes well up.

We will get through this.

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10dp3dt…Scared!!

I could pretty much point you to this post to tell you how I feel right now. I wrote that when I was 9dp3dt of IVF#2-FET. Funny how nothing changes. Funny how those feelings just keep coming back. To add to that, I am now…

Scared that even if I see the two lines on a stick, I might not see a healthy heartbeat

Scared that even if I see the heartbeat, the embie won’t grow on schedule

Beta is day after tomorrow — on Tax day. I haven’t POAS’d yet. I know that if I have a healthy pregnancy, I should have a positive pee stick by now. But I am just too timid to find out. The past two mornings, as I get out of bed, I think about the possibility of “knowing”, and I think about POAS, but I am also reminded of the fact that it might be a negative, and I chicken out. On some level, I am scared of seeing the second line on the stick… especially now that I “know” on a first-hand basis that two lines does not equal to baby in 9 months! I am terrified.

As far as symptoms go, it is just like last time. I have some cramps off and on but we all know it doesn’t mean much. My boobs are just the same as they were since I started the PIO. No new soreness. I don’t know. I want this to work. I want this to work so bad.

Tomorrow is New Year’s day for us. And I am going to mend my relationship with God tomorrow, irrespective of which way this cycle goes. I am not as religious as my parents or my in-laws would like but I want to be at least in talking terms with God. On some level, I still believe in him.

I think I am going to find out tomorrow morning. I usually don’t POAS until the morning of beta, but one day earlier should not make or break the deal. Hopefully, I don’t chicken out tomorrow.

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5dp3dt, Denial

By now I hope that at least one of the embies are burrowing in for the long-haul. I have had some occasional twitches and cramps, but nothing substantial and nothing that can’t be connected to the PIO. Since I don’t know any better, I would say things are relatively quiet. The only thing that I have noted down from my last IVF cycle that worked was the fact that I had some cramping on 5dp3dt. In retrospect, that might have been due to the implantation. So, I am keeping my fingers crossed and increasing the sensitivity of my cramp-monitoring-antenna.  Right now, I am battling the world of bloatiness and gas. Not surprising. But my problem is that half the time, I have a hard time figuring out whether it is gas pains or cramps. Boooo! I. want. cramps!! No blood… just cramps! Is that too much to ask??!! *sigh* I never thought I would ever say that! *sigh*

In other news, apparently my MIL might be visiting us in a month or so. And she might be staying with us for 3-4 months. She has no idea that we are going through fertility treatments. Heck… she (like all of our relatives, except my parents) is under the impression that we are not even trying because we don’t want kids yet. Sweet… isn’t it? Now I don’t know where all of this falls with respect to this IVF cycle and our next steps. If this cycle does work, I have to figure out a way to sneak around to take the PIO shots every evening. Can be done. If this doesn’t work, we might just take a break for a couple of months. But, I don’t want to postpone our next steps for too long. God… please let this cycle work… please!!! DH and I haven’t talked abt this AT ALL. I am scared to even bring it up. I am scared that one thing will lead to another and he will pull the plug on further cycles. I don’t want to deal with this now. And oh yeah… I DON’T want her to know abt all of this. I am just. not. ready to come face-to-face with the fact that we have problems getting PG. Yes… I know, it has been 2.5+ yrs since we started TTC, and I am still in denial. As of now, it is our little secret and I just want it to stay that way. If we get PG through IVF, no one will know, and no one HAS to know. Do any of you feel this way? Or do I have to get my head tested? Of course, if we end up with triplets or quads then, everyone will know and it is a totally different story. And at that point, I don’t think I would care! Just not now. Not yet!

I am just going to take a deep breath, and try to live one day at a time until I get to my beta on April 15th. Less than a week to go. Whatever happens, happens.

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4dp3dt, Cryo report

Out of the 6 embies that I had for this cycle, we transferred 3. The other 3, that were at the 3-4 cell stage on day3, were put in a culture to grow them out to a blast stage. And the result… none of them made it! Just got the call abt it. I am not too surprised but I was hoping that at least one would make it. As of now, I have only 1 blast that is frozen – from IVF#1. Now this means that if this cycle fails, my next cycle is a fresh cycle too. Given my sucky thaw report, can’t start a FET based on that single blast. OK… I am not going to worry about it. I am not going to even think abt it. Cause, this cycle will work… right?

This cycle has been very calm. Maybe my other cycles were like this too. But I don’t remember too much abt it. I read up on my old posts to find out how I was feeling in my other 2WWs and… nothing. I suck at documentation. I am going to try and do a better job this time. After the little bit of cramping after the walk on Sunday evening, things seemed to have calmed down. No twitches, no cramps, nothing. But, wait wait, the bloatiness… ever so present! The PIO is in full-swing. But its not a big deal. For some reason, I remember my other IVF cycles to be much more difficult to go through. I think my body is just used to all these hormones now. :)

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48 hrs

Let’s talk PIO for a while here… shall we? Even after giving myself PIO shots for 8 wks straight during my last IVF (in Nov/Dec/Jan timeframe), my… um… behind forgot how much it hurt! Eeekkkk. And oh…. not to mention the lumps. Pure fun. And this time around I was amazed at how quick my body is reacting to it. I started the progesterone shots the day before transfer as usual, and within 24 hours, the girls starting hurting! And within 48 hours, I could barely recognize them… they had changed in appearance. Love the hormones… don’t you? Blah.

Its now been more than 48 hrs since the ET. I had been lying and waddling around in bed up until yesterday evening. And I couldn’t take it anymore after that. Do you know how difficult it is to read from your laptop lying down? And even more difficult to type something up! My neck and hip bone started hurting from lying on my side! Granted, I was lying on the floor and not on the bed. The cushiony bed would have probably made it a little easier. I wanted a change of place after sleeping in the bed for 10 hrs straight. So yesterday morning, I moved to the living room floor where the TV is. Don’t care much for the couch. Note to self: If I am forced to go into bedrest when I am pregnant, either get a TV for the bedroom, or get an air mattress for the living room!

Today, was a nice day. Sunny weather. Perfect temperature. No clouds. This happens v v rarely here in the NW. DH and I went for a talk at the art museum, and then decided to walk around town a bit. Everything was going fine when 30 mins into the walk, my ute started to twitch and cramp! Ah… I remember these feelings. Definitely the PIO at work. Walk over. Head home. But it was nice to get out in the sun.

Off to take my PIO shot for the day, and then catch up on some work from last week.

2 days into the 2WW. Still sane. Hopeful. Optimistic. This cycle will work.

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They are home…

The transfer went smooth. My fav RE did the transfer which is always a plus. So just like I mentioned before, we transferred 3 6-celled beauties w/ assisted hatching that were graded a 2.5. And they had minimal fragmentation — not like what I had mentioned in my earlier post.

Hubs and I sat down with my embryologist and had a talk abt what the state of the union was. And what she told me has calmed me down soooo much. So here’s the scoop. Out of the 11 mature eggs, we know that 6 of them fertilized fine. But 3 that I was told “cracked” was because of the nature of my eggs. Usually this occurs in abt 5% of the eggs but mine was a little higher. Apparently my eggs are super delicate and they just need a different kind of treatment. OK… so I need special treatment. Not shocking.

Onto the next topic – Did she think I had a egg quality issue? Nope. And she seemed confident in her answer that I believe her. She did say that not all of my embies are perfect but I do make good-looking ones. And that it is normal to have a mix. Happy… Ecstatic… Sheer joy!!! My eggs are fine!! YAY!!

Next – Is there a fragmentation issue that I need to be worried abt? Nope. They look just like before and she is not a bit concerned about them.

Next – Are embies behind because they only at 6-cells? She was like Oh No… On day 3 we just expect it to be above 5 cells. Sweet!!! Its just getting better!

What else did I find out? Apparently for my first IVF, we ended up transferring an 8-cell and a 6-cell — not 2 8-cells as I was thinking all along. Even though I had multiple 8-cells to pick from, they picked the 6-cell because it was the best-looking of them all. Interesting.

So this time, I have 3 6-celled embies with the same amount of fragmentation as any of my best embies. I have more hope now than I did today morning. My RE while leaving the room after the transfer said You better tell me some good news in 12 days. And I really want to!!

And thank you thank you thank you for all your well wishes, crossed fingers, and sticky vibes. They mean a lot to me. :)

Now I am off to lay down, take it easy, and give the embies the best chance that they can get!!

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3-day transfer it is…

I just got a call from the RE’s office. The minute she said “hello” I could tell that something was wrong. The good news… no actually amazing news is that all six are still growing. But they are not growing as they had expected. 3 are at a 6-cell stage with 20% fragmentation, graded as a 2.5. The other 3 are at 3-4 cell stage with 25% fragmentation, graded at 1.5. So the lab and my RE wants me to do a 3-day transfer ie transfer today. They believe that the embies will do better in-utero than in-vitro. If they recommend it, I can’t deny it. They know better. I am just going to go with the flow. And you know what? Its OK. I wanted a blast transfer but that’s not happening. And I will just have to come to terms with it. I don’t have any choice. I am just going to try and be happy for the fact that I atleast have more than 1 embie to transfer. OK, yeah, they are not superb, high-quality 8-celled beauties that one would expect 3 days after fertilization. But, they ARE 6-celled beauties and I will take care of them. I will take good care of them.

I decided that I wanted to transfer atleast 3, if not 4. I want to give this cycle the best shot. I am not going to give up now. My RE suggested transferring the 3 6-celled ones and culturing the other 3 to see if they can freeze it for later. Fine… I’ll buy that.

For #1-fresh, we transferred 2 8-celled embies w/ minimal fragmentation.

For #2-FET, we transferred 1 7-celled w/ minimal fragmentation, and 2 3-4 cell that was a little more fragmented (don’t know the %) and we perfomed assisted hatching on them. This was the one that resulted in a BFP but ended in a m/c.

For #3-fresh (the current cycle), we are scheduled to transfer 3 6-celled w/ 20% fragmentation w/ assisted hatching.

So I am really hoping that assisted hatching IS the secret ingredient and it really does the trick!! My transfer is in 2 hours. Crossing my fingers and trying to find the optimism that I had when I started this cycle.

BTW, thanks for setting me straight on my previous freak-out aka post. Ugh… i need to find that hope again!!

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