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Archive for February, 2009

Interesting couple of days

Let’s see…

A trip to the Mother&Baby unit, a trip to the Emergency room, and a pregnancy announcement.

One word… life is… interesting!!

On Tuesday, DH & I decided that we wanted to go out to dinner and called to see if another couple wanted to join us. We are very close friends with this couple, and enjoy each other’s company… the only thing being, she is 35+ weeks PG. But that doesn’t bother me much now. I just look the other way when she carasses her belly! This is the same couple that broke their pregnancy news to us when we broke the news that we were doing IVF#1!! I know… absolutely bad timing! But, they really are good people at heart and they didn’t even know what an IVF was… and I feel very comfortable hanging out with them. Anyways, back to Tuesday… they said they couldn’t join us because they were in the Mother&Baby unit having just delivered abt 6 hrs ago!!! Apparently she went into early labor at around 2am and things just progressed really fast. Both mom and baby are fine. Baby is in the NICU because he was a premie. Hearing all this, I… was not fine. My chest constricted with sadness on the doubt that I would ever get there. Would that ever be me? Would I ever call someone from an L&D ward? It was weird. DH and I decided to go visit them. We stopped by to get flowers and chocolate. The visit went well. Luckyily for me, we didn’t go visit the baby. I don’t know how I would react to that. But, I survived.

The next day, aka yesterday, I had to work late to catch up on some stuff. DH was supposed to pick me up after meeting up with a couple of his work buddies at a bar. I get this frantic call from him 30 mins earlier than our scheduled time asking me to come out of work fast (he waits at the parking lot), that he has to get somewhere really fast.  Huh??! Whatever! Run down, get in the car, and he tells me we are heading to the emergency room. What??!? Apparently one of the work buddies that he was hanging out with fainted!! (No… she wasn’t drunk or anything). Apparently, a couple of mins after fainting, she got back up and was talking fine, but then she started throwing up!! And the paramedics were rushing her to the hospital. So… we head to the ER. I know… back in a hospital… two days in a row. Have I ever told you guys that I hate hospitals??! Blah!! Her boyfriend was there with her, she looked fine, walking and talking ok. And they were still running a battery of tests to find out what happened. Decided to give them some privacy, gave them our numbers, and left the ER.

Crazy day…. come home… I get a call from a high school buddy claiming that she has good news to share!! Blah! blah!! blah!! I know… I just know that when people tell me that they have some “good” news, it can’t possibly be good for me! Hey… just because that is good for you doesn’t mean that it is good for me! She was pregnant was expecting around August! Goddamn… if my FET worked and I didn’t go through a miscarriage, I would have my baby before her! Ugh!! I hate remembering such things. What.Ever!

Today… no hospital visits… yet! And I plan to keep it that way! :)

There is one good news to share… haha… don’t worry not that kinda “good”! Today is CD1. Which means, I get to start my BCPs for IVF#3 on Saturday!! Woohoooo! I am soooo excited! I love it… absolutely love the new beginnings. I have been aching to get a schedule for IVF#3. And my IVF coordinator promised to call me first thing tomorrow morning with it. I will let you guys know as soon as I can. This is so cool. My optimism is creeping up and I can’t wait to get started.

IVF number 3 is on its way. I really hope third time IS the charm! :)

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RE Appt and Optimism

So we had the “talk” with our RE today. Since we didn’t have our “products of conception” tested, he didn’t have a concrete answer as to why I miscarried. And of course, he added that it is completely “normal” for embryos to be malformed. The stats that he quoted were that from a study where they biopsied the embryos of 200 women with an impending miscarriage. 90% of them were due a embryo abnormality due to chromosomal factors, 10% were due to other factors such as uterus environment, antibodies, etc. The scientist husband that I took with me asked if we can test for those genetic factors in our blood. I was like…”really…they can do that?”… didn’t say anything of course. The answer is, yes, they can do that, but my RE said they don’t do anything until after a second loss! Hmmm…. I have to go through one more miscarriage before they can take us serious??! Sad!

Then out of nowhere, my RE looked at me and asked “Are you really ready for another cycle? Because those miscarriages can be tough and I really want you to be cautiously optimistic about this.” Wow… I didn’t see that coming. Optimism??? What is that? Isn’t that what brings me hurt everytime? Hmmmm… I know I want to move on, so, maybe being a little optimistic can’t hurt I guess!!

Then we had a long discussion abt the quality of my eggs/embies. In short, he was happy with my embies and hence there was no reason to doubt egg quality. WHEW!!

Moving on to IVF#3. Because I stimmed so well last time, he wanted to keep the same protocol, just a little lower dosage. He is hoping that maybe that will help get more mature eggs. Sounds like a plan to me… as long as I don’t end up with OHSS, I am perfectly fine. My final E2 check during IVF#1 was in the 5000 range! I know…Yikes!!

Oh and the big news… he wants to do a 5-day transfer!! YAY!! I am sooo excited to hear this. I have read so many many stories on higher success rates with 5-day transfers (vs 3-day transfers). I really hope that’s the secret that will make it work for me. But one sad thing… actually not sad… just concerned… is that he doesn’t recommend doing assisted hatching on the day5 embies. The only addition to the previous FET that we did was AH… and it took! He says the the embie lining at the blast stage is so thin that they don’t need AH. But you know, its my embie. What if it is soo hard-headed that it defies all norms!?!

In the meantime, I am off to find “optimism” and “train” my mind to think positive thoughts!

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Memory loss… a boon?

Some people claim that they remember a lot about their childhood/high school/college days. They can seemingly recollect, with great detail, their favorite past time as a kid, the first day at school, what kind of cake they had on their 10th birthday, their first crush, their first fight with their bff, and on and on. I… am not one of them… not even by the farthest stretch. I remember bits and pieces (read 3 instances) of my childhood, but thats abt it. Heck, I don’t even remember my first crush. God… I hope I had one before I met DH! Elementary and middle school memories are a big haze. High-school was beginning to join the list too, before I re-connected with my high-school bff about 4 years ago. She used to talk abt all the wonderful experiences I had and how I enjoyed every minute of it. And I could barely identify with the things she was referring to. I felt bad that my memory failed to hold onto special moments. I wish I could just think back and bask in the joy of what were undoubtedly the most self-transforming years of my life. Until now…

You see, the brain treats every experience with equal justice. It doesn’t know the difference between a joyful moment or a sad moment… at least mine doesn’t. It remembers what it can. And, the past couple of months are not something I want to hold onto forever. I don’t want to remember that I was pregnant,  that I saw a flicker of a heartbeat, that a beautiful little fetus was growing in me, that it was our baby that was happily nestled in me, that it was suffering so much to hold onto life, that I got to a point where I was sick and tired of the seeing it suffer that I wanted to end it, that it spared me the choice and ended its own life, that the pain of the miscarriage is unbelievable. As much as it was near and dear to my heart, I want to forget it. I want to forget it all. Strange… I know. But I have a feeling that I have little choice here given my past history of memory loss. Its going to happen one day or another. It might as well be sooner than later. Life moves on and I can’t afford to be stuck in yester-land!

OK… enough of the philosophical ramblings. Let’s get back to reality…

So how have I been doing so far? Really good actually. For the past couple of weeks, I have been working out regularly, been eating well and taking care of my rock star DH. I have been able to get through days at a stretch without thinking abt babies/IVF/IF, which is awesome. BTW, I believe I am finally not pregnant. My hCG levels having been dropping very well.

5th BW – Jan 27th, 24dpm(days past miscarriage), hCG : 15.5

6th BW – Feb 4th, 31dpm, hCG : 5.5

The RN said they didn’t need to do a follow-up BW. I promptly scheduled a WTF appt with my RE for the Feb 18th. Can’t wait to hear him say that it was just a “run-of-the-mill” miscarriage! Whatever! Actually I don’t particularly care much for the history, I want to talk to him about the protocol for IVF#3. The planner in me is craving for a schedule! Something that gives me a “sense” of control for all thats going on.

And a philosophical thought to finish it off…

Ahhh…. and again… one day… a couple of years from now, I will look back at all of this and not remember a thing. Wow… that must feel good. Thank god for my memory loss. I feel blessed! :)

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