So we are all in this journey for a reason… working towards the one common goal. But how far would you actually go to get there?
At the end of IVF#1, I was devastated that it didn’t work. But going in, I knew that it didn’t have a 100% success rate. So there was some crying… but I dealt with it well (or so I think). DH took it well too. He was sad, not for part that there was no baby at the end of it, but for me — that the pain that I went through, the needles that I shot up, the side-effects that I had to endure… all for nothing. And at that moment, he said “You don’t have to go through this all this pain…we can adopt”. He put it out there as if it was as easy as walking up to a restaurant and ordering cake. I was taken aback. It bought me to tears all the more cause that was just pointing to the obvious — that I am incapable of bearing our own children! I know he says this because he cares for me and he doesn’t want me to suffer through this. But no… I am not done with doing all that I can do. I told him… my number is 6. Yes… that’s right… 6 IVFs before I give up on my body. I don’t know why I picked that number, but it just seemed right to me. And DH looked at me like I was crazy. Here I was with my eyes all puffed up from crying because I couldn’t digest 1 failed IVF and now I want to do 5 more of these things??!!? But he oblidged to support me through whatever I wanted to do. I don’t know if we would have the money to go that far, but that is the number that jumped to my head… and I am sticking to it. There… I said it… this way its documented and out of the way!
After the miscarriage at the end of IVF#2, things are different. Obviously, the pain was much more than before. The teaser that we might be parents come July was just too cruel. When the dust had settled with the physical aspects of the miscarriage, I was still left with the longing for someone to cuddle and take care of, someone to shower my unconditional love, something new, a change in the status quo. I went up to DH and said “Let’s get a dog when we move to a house”. (We currently live in an apt that doesn’t allow pets. And we are thinking abt moving in May/June of this year.) And DH responded with a “No, if we don’t have a baby at the end of this year, we are going to adopt”. Even though I knew that he was saying this because he couldn’t bear to see me in so much pain, I was pissed off that he was trying to put a deadline on this. But I was much more receptive this time than last time.
Its not that I am completely against adoption. But right now, I can’t even think abt it. Oh the hurdles that we would have to face with our extended family, the gossiping that would go on, oh… oh… that I would have to actually make our infertility struggles public, and not-to-mention the hurdles and emotions that the kid would have to face growing up… nope… not fun… not doing it…not now! Here’s what bugs me… I don’t think even DH has thought through any of this… in fact I know he hasn’t because he doesn’t care abt what others think or about the society. But I am not like that. As much as I want to, I cannot ignore all of that. Maybe I will change. In fact, I know I will.
But until then, I still have 4 more IVFs to go.