How far is too far?

So we are all in this journey for a reason… working towards the one common goal. But how far would you actually go to get there?

At the end of IVF#1, I was devastated that it didn’t work. But going in, I knew that it didn’t have a 100% success rate. So there was some crying… but I dealt with it well (or so I think). DH took  it well too. He was sad, not for part that there was no baby at the end of it, but for me — that the pain that I went through, the needles that I shot up, the side-effects that I had to endure… all for nothing. And at that moment, he said “You don’t have to go through this all this pain…we can adopt”. He put it out there as if it was as easy as walking up to a restaurant and ordering cake. I was taken aback. It bought me to tears all the more cause that was just pointing to the obvious — that I am incapable of bearing our own children! I know he says this because he cares for me and he doesn’t want me to suffer through this. But no… I am not done with doing all that I can do. I told him… my number is 6. Yes… that’s right… 6 IVFs before I give up on my body. I don’t know why I picked that number, but it just seemed right to me. And DH looked at me like I was crazy. Here I was with my eyes all puffed up from crying because I couldn’t digest 1 failed IVF and now I want to do 5 more of these things??!!? But he oblidged to support me through whatever I wanted to do. I don’t know if we would have the money to go that far, but that is the number that jumped to my head… and I am sticking to it. There… I said it… this way its documented and out of the way!

After the miscarriage at the end of IVF#2, things are different. Obviously, the pain was much more than before. The teaser that we might be parents come July was just too cruel. When the dust had settled with the physical aspects of the miscarriage, I was still left with the longing for someone to cuddle and take care of, someone to shower my unconditional love, something new, a change in the status quo.  I went up to DH and said “Let’s get a dog when we move to a house”. (We currently live in an apt  that doesn’t allow pets. And we are thinking abt moving in May/June of this year.)  And DH responded with a “No, if we don’t have a baby at the end of this year, we are going to adopt”. Even though I knew that he was saying this because he couldn’t bear to see me in so much pain, I was pissed off that he was trying to put a deadline on this. But I was much more receptive this time than last time.

Its not that I am completely against adoption. But right now, I can’t even think abt it. Oh the hurdles that we would have to face with our extended family, the gossiping that would go on, oh… oh… that I would have to actually make our infertility struggles public, and not-to-mention the hurdles and emotions that the kid would have to face growing up… nope… not fun… not doing it…not now! Here’s what bugs me… I don’t think even DH has thought through any of this… in fact I know he hasn’t because he doesn’t care abt what others think or about the society. But I am not like that. As much as I want to, I cannot ignore all of that. Maybe I will change. In fact, I know I will.

But until then, I still have 4 more IVFs to go.

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PCP?!?

I left a comment in a fellow blogger’s post talking about my conversation with my RN and thought I should post it here for all to enjoy.

Since a couple of weeks ago, I have been having some very mild indigestion/gas pains in my abdomen. I guess my body got utterly confused due to the lack of the added hormones! Well, a week ago I decided to ask my RN who was expected to call me on my hCG results that afternoon. After relaying the hCG results, the conv ensued as follows…

Me: I have been having weird pains in my abdomen area

Her: Uh-huh, Well, it could this, this, and this, but really it could be nothing as well. Don’t worry, if it continues to be bad, just meet up with your PCP!

Me: Huh?!? PCP?!?

Her: You DO have a primary care provider… don’t you?

Me: Umm… Umm… No….

Her: Really?

Me: I have only been seeing you guys (my RE’s office) for the last two years. I haven’t seen anyone else!

Her: <laughing her back-side off> You know you have other parts in your body besides the girly ones… right?!

Me: <stumped on how to respond to that one> Yeah… I guess!!! <is all I could manage>

So yeah… I bet I became the laugh of the day for the entire RE office! Anyways… who needs a regular pap-smear-performing/bcp-administering/flu-shot administering/boring PCP when you have an IVF-performing RE?!?

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Back from my vacation

No no… not a real one. Back to my blogging world that is. I am still alive… Still pregnant! I have successfully gone a week and a half without thinking abt babies, pregnancies, or the lack there of! So YAY for that! I have been doing great (hence the no whining/blogging for a while now).

Things that have kept my mind off of insanity…

1) Trying to eat healthy: I used to pack lunch for DH and me before all the IVF madness started. But, I have been using the hormone-induced bloating/tiredness/sickness as an excuse to eat at the cafeteria and have been eating out quite often for dinner too. I put some breaks on that and have decided to cook a lot at home. And the bonus is that I like cooking and it is relaxing too! Win-Win I say.

2) Working out: Ah… yes… I have been bitten by the bug too. TEN pounds…. yes, thats right… one zero, 10 pounds… the weight I have gained over the last year. 5 of those were gained in the last couple of months due to the pregnancy. I am now down to about 4 pairs of pants that I can comfortably wear… sucks! Since a week after the miscarriage, I seem to have more energy than I have ever had in the last 4 months (thanks to the lack of hormones). And I feel great! So I have decided to put that energy to some good use. Starting slow with moderate biking/eliptical for 30 mins 3 times a wk. It is awesome! I hope I can keep up with this.

3) Work: My biggest time drainer of all! Due to my miscarriage, I took almost half of december off from work and have fallen so behind that I had a LOT of catching up to do. I returned to work just 2 days after my miscarriage and have been at it since. So far, so good. After a long time, I feel like I am doing my best at work too. Less distracted, no worries abt how many eggs I will make/is it implanting/is its heart beating/is it dying!! I feel like I am back! :)

Basically, I am doing anything and everything that I couldn’t do over the last 7 months and using every opportunity I can get to “forget” the fact that I was pregnant! The key is, if I don’t think about it, if I don’t remember it, I won’t have to deal with the emotions!

So ROCK ON…

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BTW, for those of you who are interested in the details of my hCG levels/miscarriage details, here you go…

1st BW – Jan 5th, 2dpm(days past miscarriage), hCG : 3386

2nd BW – Jan 7th, 4dpm, hCG : 2151

3rd BW – Jan 13th, 10dpm, hCG: 259

4th BW – Jan 20th, 17dpm, hCG: 51.1

So dropping nicely, I would say. Next one is scheduled for Jan 27th. The RN tells me that I might take two more weeks to get to zero. After that, it would take me 4 more wks for my period to start regularly! And that’s the earliest I can start another cycle. So, my next IVF cycle is atleast 6 wks away… looks like I will be stimming around March/April. I don’t think I am too sad abt it though. I am feeling so good now-a-days that I don’t want to go back…. yet. I want to enjoy where I am.

I am sure this feeling won’t last but… hey… one day at a time… right?!!!

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Battle to 0 begins

The bloodwork yesterday revealed that my hCG was at 3386 — sooo very very pregnant! Blah!

Follow-up b/w on Thursday to make sure that it actually drops.

Oh the irony… for the past two years or so, I have been aching to get a number above 0… and now, for the first time ever, I am on the other side of the table! Feels odd.

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Ultrasound, Confession, and an Award

Even though I have been off from work for the past two weeks, all this baby/no-baby fiasco has kept us on our nerves. Yesterday… for the first time in a really long time, I was so relaxed. I am usually a medium-to-light sleeper. Usually a phone call or a knock on the door would suffice to wake me up. But on Saturday night, I was just knocked out! And I was drug-free (no PIO, no pain killers, no Estrace, not even my pre-natals) for the first time in months! I slept through my alarm @ 7am, my u/s appt @ 8am, two phone calls from my doc’s @ 9am and 9:30am! Bummer! Since it was a Sunday, my doc’s office closes early and hence had to reschedule it to today morning. Ehh.. don’t care. I woke up an hour later feeling so good though! You know the feeling that you get after a relaxing multi-day vacation?? That’s how I felt. Totally worth it!

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Last night I broke the news to my parents. We had been waiting to tell them once I reach the safe zone (past at least 10wks). But, ever since the train turned downhill, I have been itching to tell them abt the pregnancy. I have missed my mom so much during this ordeal that I surprised myself! This was especially true when I was in pain during the actual miscarriage process! Something about being pain… I think our brains are automatically wired to seek the one person that will comfort you the most. Anyways, both my mom and dad took it well… or so I think! I was afraid that they would be hurt because of this, but once again I underestimated them. They were pretty calm about it and were in fact consoling me. Well… I am glad that they know. I feel relieved. I think if when I get pregnant again I am going to tell them much sooner. I could really use their support.

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Ahh… Ultrasound today morning. My first one after the miscarriage. And dang… the vag-cam was actually very uncomfortable! That has never happened before! Could this be due to the miscarriage? Did any of you guys experience this? Weird! Anyways, the sac was gone. But my lining was a little thick @ 10mm. The RE wasn’t too concerned as I still had light bleeding. But they took my vitals and did a blood draw to measure my hormone levels. I wonder how many more blood draws to go before my HCG drops to zero!! **Sigh**

I will keep you guys posted on the results.

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And last but not the least… an award!

Lisa has presented me with this award. I am so flattered! Yay…. thank you and ((HUGS))!!

Wow!! I just can’t believe that my mundane, sob-filled life story can be so interesting! But, like many of you have mentioned in your recent posts, I am extremely glad that I started blogging. Good Lord… without you guys I don’t think I would have the strength to continue. I don’t even know if I could stay sane without your words of support and encouragement. You guys rock!

The rules for this award are to list your 5 addictions and to pass the award on to 5 people.

Dang… this is hard. I know I have a lot of addictions. I just have to pick through the worst of them. I will post on this later.

So I did a little of looking around to make sure I don’t double tag people, but if you received this in the near past, consider yourself double lucky! :)

I would like to pass this award onto All about V, Good Egg Hunting, Infertile Ground, Dream Your Mine, and Woman Anyone. Have fun!

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New Year… New beginnings

First of all, Wish you guys a very happy and prosperous new year. May the new year bring all your wishes and desires to life.

The last two weeks of 2008 can be best described as the worst emotional roller-coaster ride of our lives. After a total of 6 ultrasounds,  at 9w3d, our fighter decided to leave us once and for all. Both DH and I feel completely dejected. But in a way, we are glad that we are close to the end of this madness. Our little bean has been struggling so hard to stay with us that it became painful to go to the ultrasounds. Sorry that I haven’t been updating you guys as often as I like. This was the first time in weeks that I have found some energy to log in to the net. I hope you guys understand. So here the update… 

At our u/s#5 @ 9w, (exactly a week after my previous u/s which gave us hope — last post) our baby had not grown at all in a week (still measured 6w3d) and the HB was very sporadic.  Sometimes, they clocked in a 115bpm but at times it was 80bpm. It was really painful to watch. DH was most the most devasted that day. I have never seen him like that. I was sad too but seeing him like that just tore me apart!

My RE’s office wanted to wait another week so “the pregnancy can decide its viability for itself”. For F’s sake, isn’t it obvious that if the baby has not grown at all for a week, it is not viable??! Why couldn’t they just make a decision to end it? According to them, as long as their is a HB, they will not “recommend” anything to end it. Bullcrap! But of course, I have the option to end it. It would be called a “therapeutic abortion” — not a “miscarriage”. Which means, I willingly terminated it when there was a possibility that it would have lived. Goodness gracious… there was no way I could do that! Not after going through hell and back to have a kid. And especially not after so many PIO needles. To tell you the truth, deep inside, I was still rooting for the kiddo… hoping for a miracle. In any case, I got them to see me again in 3 days instead of the 7 that they suggested.

u/s#6 @ 9w3d  closed the chapter. No HB detected. Neither DH nor I were shocked to hear that. We were sad… yes… but schocked…no. My RE’s office gave their recommendations. First, stop all PIO and Estrace and hope that the “tissue” passes naturally. If that doesn’t work, take medications to start the process. And if that fails too, a D&C – a procedure where they dialate my cervix and remove the pregnancy tissue from my uterus via suction. I asked about a getting a D&C up front so I could be done with it. But, they advised me against it cause it is an invasive procedure and the uterus can take longer to heal and hence longer to get ready for the next IVF cycle. Getting to the next IVF cycle as soon as possible was important to me, so no D&C for me (for now).

I ended up having to take the misoprostol to start the miscarriage. I shoved the 4 pills up my vajayjay yesterday evening. And thank God they gave me some narcotic pain killers cause I needed it! I believe I passed the “tissue” at 2:30am or 4am. TMI coming up next… skip to next para if you don’t want to read. Those are the times I passed two plum sized clots!! God it was awful! The cramping was unbearable even after I took the pain killers. They subsided after 7am and all bleeding has completely stopped by 4pm today.

I am beginning to feel like my normal self again. I haven’t felt like this for the past 3 months. I go in for a u/s tomorrow morning to check if I am all clear. If not, I get a second dose of misoprostol. No biggie… I can do this. I feel so positive after a long time. It is just weird. I was told that I would have to wait for another normal bleed cycle or two before I can start another IVF. A two month break does not seem like a bad idea at this point. This entire experience has been so nerve-wrecking and emotional for the both of us that I am not sure we are ready to jump right back in anyway.

Hopefully the new year brings each of us the bundle of joy that we struggle so hard for!

God Bless!

P.S. : I haven’t opened up my google reader for the past two weeks either. I hope to catch up on all your blogs by this week. :)

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