Fighter

Sorry guys, I have been ignoring the blog world and the internet since my last post. I have been wanting to update since my last u/s on Friday. Mixed emotions is the right word.

It had snowed like crazy the night before. So I was very anxious abt getting there safely. This was the same place that has the high resolution u/s machine. Since my previous u/s (on Tuesday) at my RE’s office, I was convinced that the 90bpm that my doc saw was wrongly diagnosed as the baby’s HB and it was indeed my HB that she had measured. (Don’t ask… I am good at thinking such crazy stuff up… I am good like that). So I stepped to the u/s room on Friday with a hard heart and a stern face “knowing” what the outcome was going to be. But whats the outcome???

We were able to see a clear flicker of a HB!!! Its still alive!!!

As soon as I saw the flicker, the first thing I asked was “Can I please hear it?”. Almost like I couldn’t believe my eyes and wanted to make sure that my ears can realize it too. And she obliged. The simple pulse was amazing to hear. That was the first time I had smiled whole-heartedly in a long time. The HB clocked in at 94bpm — a slight improvement from the u/s 3 days ago.

And then she told us the measurements. Its measuring at 6w3d. I was 8w to the date. Thats when it hit me and my tears started rolling. That poor thing is struggling… struggling so hard to hold onto life. We have a fighter. The good news… it measured 6w on the previous u/s that we had 3 days ago. So it seems to have grown at a steady rate over the last week. I am just crossing my fingers that it continues to do so.

My RE’s office was definitely glad that there was a HB. When I asked them abt their opinion on the growth, I was told that it is definitely below average but the HB gives them hope. I go back in for another check coming Friday. That would be u/s#5.

Walking out of the u/s office, I looked at DH and said “We have a HB” (Even though he was right there with me in the room seeing the HB and all). And we just smiled at each other and then he accused me of “giving up too easily” trying to point out that I had given up hope that this baby would make it. Yeah… I do give up easily. To me, its like protecting myself from the impending pain. If the pain comes, then I am ready for it that way. I would even tell myself “What else did I expect?”. But, if the pain doesn’t come when I was expecting it, then I have nothing to lose and everything to gain. And I like that position. I don’t like surprises.

But for now, as the days go by, my self-protection is withering down, and I am just hoping and praying that the pain never comes. Fingers crossed!!

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Blah… and more blah

OK… I was over the emotional aspect of this. But today is a whole different story. I decided to head to my doc’s office for the u/s instead of the high-resolution u/s place I went in last time because (a) It was closer to home and less riskier to drive there in the iced-up roads and (b) I was totally sure that they would not see anything and hence wanted to make the ‘what-next’ decisions face-to-face with my RE. (I don’t like making important decisions over the phone).

My first RE did the scan today. Results? The ovaries looked good. Saw the sac immediately. Baby is @ 6wks. Then, she looked and looked and zoomed and looked and…she claims she sees and hears a heartbeat measuring @ 90bpm. Seriously WTF??!? She tried to show me where she thinks the heartbeat is but, no way… all I saw was a still screen. I mean I saw a flicker in my u/s#1 and that was the only time I ever saw it. There was nothing there now. Then she goes on to say that it is very inconclusive and because she sees a very mild heartbeat, she doesn’t want to take any measures any time soon. She ends it with a “Lets give it another week”. Great… back to limbo-land!

Now how am I supposed to feel? Happy because there might be still a chance? Pray that the embie makes it and catches up with the 2 wks of growth that it is behind on? Nope…I am just blah. That’s right… blah (a highly technical term at that!)

Why?? Let’s recap shall we…

u/s#1 @ 6w3d: Embie and sac measured @ 6w3d. Visibly saw a flicker of a heartbeat which was termed weak. Did not measure it though.

u/s#2 @ 6w5d: Embie and sac measured @ 5w5d. No HB. As still of an image as there can be. (This was the one with the high resolution machine)

u/s#3 @ 7w4d: Embie and sac measured @ 6w. RE claims a weak HB of about 90.

u/s#4 to be scheduled in about a week!

Blah because all these freaking measurements driving me up the wall. Exactly 1 wk ago the same u/s machine, measured by baby at 6w3d during u/s#1 but today its at 6w. The baby grew smaller?! SWELL!

Blah because I hate being in limbo land.

Blah because the baby is as lazy and indecisive as I am. Can’t decide whether it wants to live or die! (OK… thats not as funny as it seemed in my head!)

Blah because I expected to get some closure on this today but I didn’t get any

Blah because I should be having some hope but don’t feel like riding that roller-coaster (AGAIN)!

Blah because I have this nagging feeling that this is only prolonging the inevitable, and hence more suffering is to follow!

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Moving on…

Thanks for all your kind words and support. They mean a lot to us.

I did much better than I had expected. Since I got the news on Wed morning, I have been letting tears trickle down, but the floodgates hadn’t opened. I didn’t want to cry in front of DH. I felt bad for him. His exams were the following weekend and I was worried that if I got too emotional, it would affect him. But on Wednesday night, as I shot up the PIO, the floodgates opened! Oh my… Oh my… I couldn’t stop it. The mere thought that all these needles and pills couldn’t save the kiddo was just too much to take on. DH came running from the living room and I just lay on the bedroom floor letting it all out while he lay beside me and patted me! But, it was worth it. Both DH and I were glad that I let it out. In fact, he later told me that he started to worry that I hadn’t cried yet.

I woke up the next day with a mild headache but felt fine enough that I decided to head to work. DH had some important meeting that he had to attend to in the morning and there was no way I was going to sit at home alone. I would drive myself crazy. I went in for just a half a day but I was just physically there. I didn’t get ANY work done. I just sat at my desk and stared at my computer. Not productive whatsoever. But, I was glad I got out of the house. PIO that night opened the floodgates one more time. I hate it. Why do I have to keep taking these shots even though there’s no live baby in there!???! What did I do wrong? I have never meant harm for anybody ever. Not fair. Not fair at all.

By the weekend, I was done. I AM done with it all. I wanted it to be over. I just want to move on. I want to get rid of what is remaining in me — I know it is soo “un-mother” like but I don’t care. That’s how I feel. I am just numb to all my feelings. My head knows that it stopped growing because there was something genetically wrong with the embryo. So I have accepted that it was OK that the PG didn’t continue. I am glad and thankful that it happened this early in the pregnancy. We were just beginning to get attached and the pain of separation would have only gotten worse the later it would have happened. We hadn’t told anybody (other than you gals of course) and even though it was difficult not telling… (especially my family), we are just glad that we didn’t. I can’t imagine telling my mother that her grandkid has died. Yeah… so glad I resisted telling her! All I want to do right now is plan my next IVF… plan my path to a healthy, live baby. We are over with the emotional aspect of this. (At least that’s what I want to believe).

As DH said the other day, we DO have somthing to celebrate about… At least I know I can get this far in a pregnancy. At least we know that our genes can survive together (albeit for a short time). At least we know what got us here and we can get back here. So true! :)

On a non-IF note, Portland got dumped with a couple of inches of snow yesterday. I know it isn’t much when compared to places in the north and the east coast. But it rarely snows here. And when it snows, most of city comes to a screeching halt. So DH and I are working from home today. Love the snow days!

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Let the process begin…

Today is Wednesday. I am 6w5d. Ultrasound date with a high resolution machine.

Sac measured 5w5d. (An entire one week behind)

There was a fetal pole and that too measures 5w5d.

No heartbeat.

Nothing more to say.

My RE’s office says since it is early in pregnancy, they don’t want to take any (negative) measures yet. They want to give the embryo another week to let it prove itself one way or another. Next appt is on Tuesday (Dec 16th).

I am losing hope. The grieving process has begun. Have been laying in bed sobbing all day. But, DH is there by my side. And that is all I care for right now.

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Good and the Not-so-good

Today was my first ultrasound @ 6w3d. It could not come fast enough. I have been awake since 3am and have been a nerve-wreck since. Appt was @ noon but couldn’t stay sane at home so showed up at the Doc’s office @ 11am. But didn’t get called in till 11:45 anyways. *sigh*

Good News:

– Not an ectopic

– Saw a sac

– Crown-to-rump measured to 0.62cm

– Embryo measured right on track @ 6w3d

Not-so-good news:

– Saw a tiny flicker of a heartbeat when it should have been more prevalent

– In my RE’s words, “I am not satisfied with the results. I expected a stronger echo from the heartbeat!” Swell! Just what I wanted to hear!

Next Steps:

– Follow up u/s on Wed at a facility that has better imaging equipment in the hope that it was the u/s machine that was to blame.

– Sit on pins and needles till Wednesday

Lesson Learnt:

– Always always always schedule a major u/s or procedure for the first thing in the morning! This way I won’t have much time to go over the ‘what-ifs’ and torture myself with the various worst-case scenarios!

I am still a nerve-wreck. I am definetely relieved to discover all the good stuff and rule out an ectopic. But I was really hoping to see and measure the heartbeat. The one sure thing that tells me something is there…. that this is all not just a hoax! See… its not like the HB was not there at all. I did see a flicker. I really did. I was so happy to see it. But it seemed slow (to my untrained eyes). The books say it should be somewhere between 100 – 180. It did not look that fast. It has to be the u/s machine. What else can be wrong? The embryo measured on track so it is developing as expected. So the HB must be there too! We just didn’t see it.

I am going to keep saying that to myself until Wednesday! Ugh…will there ever be a time when I will feel completely happy and be able to enjoy this PG?

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Support needed

Ladies,

Please stop by V’s blog (All about V) to show her your support. She just found out that her baby’s heartbeat was lower than normal at her 7 wk u/s. She can really use your kind words of support to get her through these troubling times. And please keep her and her baby in your thoughts and prayers.

Thank you very much. I know I can count on you gals.

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Just another day

Things were pretty quite today… down there! All along I have either had some kind of cramping or pressure but since today morning, nothing. I almost feel “normal”. (To be frank, I am not quite sure I completely know what normal means anymore). I don’t know if thats a good thing or a bad thing. Hey… as long as I don’t see red blood, I am A-OK!

I am still continuing my PIO shots and Estrace pills. The 2cc of PIO in the night have become a pain in my behind (literally). I give myself my PIO shots and last night, I think I hit something (some nerve or something like that). I was numb (from the ice) so didn’t feel much pain but I could definitely tell that the way the needle went in was different.  And to back that up, when I woke up today morning, my entire right cheek is sore to the touch. And here’s the interesting part… it seems like I have lost some feeling on the upper half of my right leg (just on the outer side) starting from my hips to the mid half of my thighs! Has this happened to any of you gals? Is this normal? It feels really weird to touch your own legs but feel only on the hands and not on the legs!

Oh BTW, the PIO also gives me crazy lumps. The only thing I do is put some heat on them but that doesn’t seem to melt it away. Are there any other tricks?

I haven’t called the doc yet for the lost feeling part. I figured I will give it a couple of days to see if it gets better.

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