Sorry guys, I have been ignoring the blog world and the internet since my last post. I have been wanting to update since my last u/s on Friday. Mixed emotions is the right word.
It had snowed like crazy the night before. So I was very anxious abt getting there safely. This was the same place that has the high resolution u/s machine. Since my previous u/s (on Tuesday) at my RE’s office, I was convinced that the 90bpm that my doc saw was wrongly diagnosed as the baby’s HB and it was indeed my HB that she had measured. (Don’t ask… I am good at thinking such crazy stuff up… I am good like that). So I stepped to the u/s room on Friday with a hard heart and a stern face “knowing” what the outcome was going to be. But whats the outcome???
We were able to see a clear flicker of a HB!!! Its still alive!!!
As soon as I saw the flicker, the first thing I asked was “Can I please hear it?”. Almost like I couldn’t believe my eyes and wanted to make sure that my ears can realize it too. And she obliged. The simple pulse was amazing to hear. That was the first time I had smiled whole-heartedly in a long time. The HB clocked in at 94bpm — a slight improvement from the u/s 3 days ago.
And then she told us the measurements. Its measuring at 6w3d. I was 8w to the date. Thats when it hit me and my tears started rolling. That poor thing is struggling… struggling so hard to hold onto life. We have a fighter. The good news… it measured 6w on the previous u/s that we had 3 days ago. So it seems to have grown at a steady rate over the last week. I am just crossing my fingers that it continues to do so.
My RE’s office was definitely glad that there was a HB. When I asked them abt their opinion on the growth, I was told that it is definitely below average but the HB gives them hope. I go back in for another check coming Friday. That would be u/s#5.
Walking out of the u/s office, I looked at DH and said “We have a HB” (Even though he was right there with me in the room seeing the HB and all). And we just smiled at each other and then he accused me of “giving up too easily” trying to point out that I had given up hope that this baby would make it. Yeah… I do give up easily. To me, its like protecting myself from the impending pain. If the pain comes, then I am ready for it that way. I would even tell myself “What else did I expect?”. But, if the pain doesn’t come when I was expecting it, then I have nothing to lose and everything to gain. And I like that position. I don’t like surprises.
But for now, as the days go by, my self-protection is withering down, and I am just hoping and praying that the pain never comes. Fingers crossed!!