Breathing a sigh of relief

… because beta#2 came in at 237. Doubling time of 34hrs (I think I did the math right)!! YAY!

I was noticeably happy after I heard the number that DH was quite surprised. He expected this reaction from me during the first beta. But, I am just starting to believe it now. Although, I have to say that I still don’t have ANY symptoms whatsoever.

I don’t have to go in for a repeat beta and have my first u/s check on Dec 8th. Apparently, if everything looks good then, I will be released to the OB’s office after that. I was shocked to hear that. From all the blog stories, I kinda expected to stay with my RE till the end of my first trimester. So we have been asked to pick an OB by then. That gives us two weeks to do all the research.

All this seems to be happening fast! But like all you gals said, one day at a time! Thanks for your kind words.

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Thank you… from unknown territory

Thank you for all your kind words and well wishes! We are extremely happy to have so much support!

I am feeling much better today. Still not celebrating yet. I still can’t get myself to say “I am P…”. It just feels soo odd. It just hasn’t sinked in yet. I guess I am not going to believe this until I see the sac and hear the heartbeat! I need that visual acknowledgment. I mean, my mind knows that we got a good first beta, saw two lines on a stick… but my heart still isn’t convinced. Apologize for the flowery words… but thats exactly how I feel. Oh yeah… and to top that off, no PG symptoms whatsoever… not even sore boobs for heaven’s sake! Nothing!

I have researched odds and ends about conquering IF. About what to do during which part of your cycle. About what to eat that might help. About what meds help with what. About IUIs, IVFs, FETs and their sucky success rates. About eggs and sperms. About embies and what can help with implantation. About negative cycles and how to cope with them. But God.. oh God… never did I once read about what happens after that positive result! It seems like I am back to square one. I am soo lost! I am now officially in unknown territory.

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Beta #1

My IVF Coordinator just called back with the results:

Beta : 90

Progesterone : good

Diagnosis : Pregnant

Next Beta : Wednesday

Since this morning’s POAS, I have been very shaken. I am very very scared. Can’t put it down in words yet. I have been waiting for this moment for 2 and a half years and now that it is here, I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to react. I am soo sorry I can’t write anything more exciting. I am struggling very hard with my emotions right now. I am struggling to find the happiness, the joy, and the elation that I expected to find myself in. Instead I am feeling nothing but fear, shock, and sadness. I hope I am making sense.

But even in all of this chaos, there is one thing for sure… I could not have come this far without your support, without your prayers, and without your well-wishes. You guys lifted me when I was down. Gave me hope when I was sure I lost it. Both DH and I will forever be thankful to you guys for that. So THANK YOU…. THANK YOU SO MUCH for your kind words and support.

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Speechless

…since I saw this 2 hours ago

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“Me” time

Since September of this year, DH has gone back to school for his MBA. The program that he is enrolled in, gives him the flexibility to work full-time during the week and attend all his classes on Saturday. Pretty neat. The only downside… he has to fly to LA to attend his classes. So he flys out Sat morning and is back by Sat night. Not bad at all. Hey… I just have to drop him off and pick him up at the airport, he is the one who has to do the studying! But since the start of Nov, idiotic United decided to stop their Sat morning flight. So he is forced to fly out Fri night… which means I get to spend Fri night alone! :( :(

So Saturdays are “me” days. I get to do what I want, when I want. No cooking. No having to feed DH. No responsibilities. Nothing. Cool… right? For the first couple of weeks, I watched a bunch of chick flicks (something he hates to do). The next week, I went window shopping (DH hates shopping. period). The week after that, I just slept through the whole day. After that, I caught up with some girlfriends over lunch. One week I finished a book that I had been putting off. I know… I am lucky! It has been amazing! Sometimes, I do feel guilty abt enjoying so much when DH is in class studying hard… but hey… he was the one who wanted to go to school.

Last night, when I dropped the hubs off at the airport, I was sad. I didn’t want him to go… but I didn’t tell him. I just didn’t want to spend the night alone. I know… lame… I guess I was riding a crescent with my hormonal craziness. But, I managed to get some sleep last night and I am doing better today. I do have some work stuff that I have to take care of today (Yuck!). But after that, I am on my own… ha… I think I might just catch some zzzz after lunch today. Life is good! No…. Life is awesome!

Oh BTW, I am not thinking abt HPTs. I am going to obey DH’s orders. I am not thinking abt HPTs. I am going to obey DH’s orders. I am not thinking abt HPTs. I am going to obey DH’s orders.

I am hoping that if I keep saying this I might actually follow through! Fingers crossed! :)

**** EDITED TO ADD ****

Wow… after I posted this, I went back to look at my previous posts and just realized that this is the first psuedo-positive post in such a loong time. Dang! My life is not that bad. At least I hope not. Gulp!

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Do I or don’t I?

DH and I carpool to and from work. Last night, on our way from work…

Me: We have to stop by Wa.lgre.ens. before we go home

Hubs: Why?

Me:I am out of HPTs. I need to pick some up. (Bad bad idea!!! I should have just said that I need to pick up some cold medicine!)

Hubs: No.

Me: Excuse me?!?

Hubs: You are excused! (with a smirk on his face)

Me: (all irritated… obviously not in the mood for a joke) Huh! Take me to the store

Hubs: No… you are not testing until the blood test

Me: (upset and angry) What?? Why not… I want to know. I want to be prepared for the bad news when I get it on Monday afternoon.

Hubs: If it doesn’t work, you are going to be sad anyway. There is no point in being sad early!

OMG!… We go back and forth for abt 5 mins and neither of us are letting go of our positions. I even tried degrading myself to a whiny cry baby (which usually gets me what I want)… but nope! And then he pulls this one from nowhere…

Hubs: OK… hold it hold it… Do I have a say in this or not?

Me: (very silent… wanted to blurt out a NOOO on the top of my lungs and get my freaking HPT)

Hubs: Huh… Do I or don’t I?

Me: (from under my breath)…Yeah

I was very shocked that he was soo adamant. He never cared so much to interfere with my IF related stuff before. Wow! In a way, I was really really happy that he cared so much. And then I realized… OMG! All along I have been ignoring that he is a part of the journey too. It is not. all. about. me. This conv made me realize that IF must affect him too! I bet he is as scared to find out as I am. He is just not showing it. So I am going to respect his feelings and sit mum. But I did manage to convince him to let me test on beta morning (Monday)! Will keep you guys in the loop!

Thanks a lot for your well wishes! I hope you guys are right!

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Change of mind

I couldn’t take it any longer. I had to know. IVF#2 either worked or it didn’t! I couldn’t handle being in limbo anymore! I was going absolutely nuts yesterday so decided that I would POAS with FMU the first thing today morning. Woke up at 5am w/ a full bladder. Scramble under the vanity to find a stick. Couldn’t get it right away. Scramble some more and AHA… found one. Ripped open the package and guess what?… it was a ovulation stick! UUGGGHHHH!! Scramble more… this time get everything out from under the vanity and all I found was more O sticks!!! You have. got. to. be. kidding. me! I don’t have an HPT at home? What kind of an IVFer am I? If anything, I should have a stockpile of HPTs lying around. In fact, I should have a bunch in every room (just in case)! This is soo stupid that it could make the cut for the evening news telecast… “An IVFer who ran out of HPTs went into bladder arrest and is now currently being treated for mental problems”! Uh…I absolutely suck! By this time my bladder was threatening to burst! I did contemplate driving 5 miles to a 24hr pharm at 5:30 in the morn but any bump on the road and I would have pee’d on myself! So… I gave up and went back to bed thinking… tomorrow is the day. And there was DH…still sleeping…appearing so calm that he was probably in his deepest REM cycle! It is sooo unfair!

Of course, I didn’t get one wink of sleep after that. But for some odd reason, I had calmed down. Don’t know why. I just felt like it was a sign… it was a sign for me not to know. Beta is on Monday which would be 15dp3dt…. so testing on Sunday night when the weekend was over would be just fine! This way, I can have a good weekend no matter what! I guess I am riding the wave of emotions… and right now, I am at a good spot. Hopefully, this lasts!

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