PG rant, Shopping, Banquet

Within a 2-month span in mid 2007 we attended 5 weddings. Yes FIVE!! 2 in the US and 3 in India.

Within the past 3 months I have heard from 2 of them stating that they are expecting (due at the end of the year)! Another couple was in the super fast track and already gave birth to a kid last September. That leaves only 2 couples. And I should have known that the other 2 couples were not too far behind.

A couple of days ago, I got a surprise phone call that one of them is due in October!! That makes 4 out of 5. And that leaves me in a very very bad place. I can’t say for sure that it is not envy!! I want to be happy for them. At least that’s how I hoped I portrayed myself when they told me the news over the phone. To all you uber-fertile folks who are eagering waiting to announce your pregnancy to the world, do us “unfortuantes” a favor by doing what my BFF did when she got PG with her 2nd — email the news out! This gives us infertiles time to sort through our feelings, deal with them, yell at God or whoever, compose ourselves of what to say, and then congratulate you when we are feeling up to it. Plain and Simple.

Ok… done with the rant…

This past weekend, I had to attend a black-tie work-related banquet. I had been looking forward to the actual event, but not so much for the dressing up! See… I am not a dress person. Give me a pair of jeans and a tshirt with some sandals and I am a happy person. Comfy is king! So I put off thinking abt what I am going to wear until the very last moment. Three days before the event, I had a panic attack! I didn’t have a dress, I didn’t have shoes, I didn’t have anything. And so shopping I went.

On day 1, I entered every decently priced store I came across – Ba.na.na Re.publ.ic, An.n T.ay.lor, B.CB.G, J.J.ill, Nor.dst.orm – and some others. I ended the day with a pair of jeans and a couple of tshirts. 5 hours later, no dress!

On Day 2, with a friend in tow. Within maybe 30 mins in Mac.y.’s. I found a decent dress and a cream shawl to go with it. I couldn’t find a picture of the exact dress I wore. But here is a pic of the same dress with a different pattern and a pic of the pattern of my dress.

On Day 3, another 1.5hrs in M.ac.y’.s, I nailed the accessories. Since I am fashion-dumb, I walked up to a couple of young saleswomen, showed my dress, and pleaded for their help! The best helpers I have ever encountered in any store!!  And I walked out with this. Mission accomplished. :)

All I needed was something to carry my wallet and phone in. The morning of the event I walked into a mall and was told that Fo.rev.er 2.1 was the place. And in 10 mins, I walked out with this.

Unfortunately I don’t have a picture from the day off event. But I leave it up to your imagination. All in all, the awards banquet went well.  It was assigned seating based on the team that receives the award and who do I get to sit with? A pregnant couple, a couple with 2 young kids, and another couple with two teenagers. And the main topic of the discussion was…. you guessed it… KIDS!!! ARRRGGHH!! I just wanted to go into hiding when one of them asked us if we had any kids. You know, I was this close to saying “Yeah, I do. Except that it is DEAD now!!” (Call me crazy but thats how I feel!!). But figured its not worth the trouble. In any case, the conversation turned out ok and shifted to cruising and travelling and such. I survived!

In my 3 years of IF struggle, pregnancies and pregnant people haven’t affected me as much as it is right now. But thats whole another topic and I will save it for later.

Milestone & MIL visit

Today I caught up on a number of blogs and I was just happy to realize that I can move a bunch of them to my “success stories” list. As the number of blogs in the “waiting to get pg” list gets small, I can’t help but wonder how long before I crossover. The beginning of July marks 3 years since we started this journey and we are still at it. So I guess we have reached a milestone of some sorts!! Yay!!??! 3 years ago, we were both naive and just blissfully ignorant of what it would take. But that’s ok… We know more now and we have some answers to the “why us?” questions. And I am just thankful for that. That’s abt as much of looking back and pondering that I care to do at this point!

Moving on to other stuff… Let’s see… My MIL was here for the last couple of months. Deep breath… Everything went really really well. I know. Hard to believe…right? The last time she visited, things didn’t quite go as well as we would have hoped… There was crying, angry faces, and crazy emotions flying all over. But this time, nothing of such sorts. She leaves tomorrow. So fingers are still crossed that things stay that way. I think I attribute the getting along well to the recent miscarriage to some extent!! I think that it has just made me realize that there are far more important things to life than worrying abt who is going to cook dinner, or worrying abt some snide comment that gets passed on. Strange how something as devastating as a miscarriage can be a cause for some positive in life.

In other news, DH got me one of these…

And I just wrote this entire post on from it. Soo happy with my new toy… Simple pleasures I guess!! :)

Answers

The failed IVF#3 (2nd fresh cycle) left me at an all-time low. Devastated that it didn’t work. Worried about embryo quality issues and possible egg quality issues. Emotionally tired of having my hopes up only to be let down once again. Sick of being “unexplained”. I wanted to know why. Why am I different? What is it that is making me different? If people can innocuously get knocked up after a careless one-night stand, why can’t a handful of fertility specialists, a couple of embryologists, and a team of nurses seem to get AND keep me knocked up?! There has. to. be. a reason for this. And I want answers. I refuse to continue thinking that it is purely statistics, and I just happen to be the odd coin that falls on the wrong side every. single. time. And answers I got!!

A lot has happened between now and then. More doc appts. Lots of B/W (I think I set a record here; more on this later). Another SIS (just for good measure).

At my follow-up WTF appt after IVF#3, the verdict he gave was that there might be a possible egg quality issue because my embryos this time were of significantly lower quality than my first fresh cycle. Apparently they had a lot of vacuoles (sp?). I just lost it as soon as he said egg quality issue. I freaked out. And then I got blamed by my doc for having a glass-half-empty view. His point was I got pregnant once and so I look at it in a positive light and hence should be optimistic. My point is that I miscarried. There is no benefit to getting all hopeful abt it when you know it didn’t end well. I urged him to do more testing. I had been reading a book called “Is your body baby friendly?” by Alan E. Beer. In that book, the author talks about some controversial tests and treatments that have helped long-time infertiles go on to deliver beautiful babies. The author’s focus is on research in regards to immunology testing and how the immune system might be affecting women trying to conceive. So, I wanted to be tested for that. My doc was very open to talking abt the research indicated by the book and talked about the controversies surrounding it. He agreed to run a boatload of tests – both to check my immune system as well any tests that might put me at a higher miscarriage risk. As he kept jotting down the tests he wanted to run, he asked me something along the lines of “Are you sure? These are a lot of tests”. I was like “Yeah.. bring it on.” Little did I know what I was signing up for. He also wanted to do a saline ultrasound (SIS) to make sure that my uterine cavity was clear and that there weren’t any “products of conception” hanging around from my last pregnancy. My attitude was simple “I don’t care… do all the testing you want to do!”.

Of course all this needs to be done on CD3. Wait a couple of weeks, go in, hop on the table for a quick SIS, cavity clear, get out, get to the blood draw station where my fav RN was waiting for me, and was greeted with this…

Yup… 16 tubes total!!! Here are the after shots…

I was totally white in the face and dizzy at the end of this. I was so proud of my tiny vein!!! :) I set a record at my clinic for having the most number of tubes drawn at once. The most they had ever drawn was 12. I was dizzily happy with my new title. :) I will list out what the actual tests were in a later post.

But what came out of this was very interesting!! Out of the 16 tests, 4 turned out to be abnormal.

1) Both my thyroid antibodies are extremely high. This is not the regular thyroid (TSH) test. My TSH is however normal. I therefore probably have subclinical hypothyroidism. In plain english, the antibodies are eating my thyroid and hence my gland is overtaxed trying to keep the thyroid levels normal. In later years, I am at risk for thyroid failure and I would most probably have to take thyroid supplements to function properly. What does this mean to fertility? There are a bunch of papers linking increased levels of thyroid antibodies to a higher miscarriage rate. The thinking is that during the first trimester, the mother’s thyroid works overtime to produce enough thryroid for the fetus as well. The baby’s thyroid gland kicks in during the second trimester and relieves the mom’s gland. Given that my thyroid gland is overtaxed to begin with, it cannot handle the demands of a pregnancy and hence fails to produce enough thyroid for both the mom and the baby, thereby leading to a miscarriage. There was even one paper that talked about how high antibodies could cause IVF failure as well. Bad! V. Bad!

2) My antithrombin levels are too low. I haven’t started my in-depth research on this yet. This, my doc believes is the more serious one. Low antithrombin levels lead to blood clots. And we all know how blood clots and miscarriages go hand-in-hand. Given that I have a family history of heart disease, I am scheduled to see a hemotologist on this one before I can start another IVF cycle. And thats not until the 21st of next month! Sigh!!

3) I have inherited one of the genes for MTHFR. I don’t know much abt this either. The only thing I know is that the solution to this is to take more folic acid/B supplements.

There you go… Even though technically I still fall under the “unexplained” category, I kinda sorta know why! Sorry that this has been a boring (and long) history of some sorts. Next time, I promise to write abt more interesting stuff. Some teasers… my MIL is in town, and I bought a sewing machine!

It is over

Took an HPT today morning. Its over. A stark white window with nothing but 1 line.

No tears. No crying. Went back to bed. Told DH “This cycle failed”. He said “OK”. He was deep in his sleep. I don’t even know if he heard me. I just lay around in his arms for a half hour. Got up, took a shower, and went on to do the preparations for the morning New Year prayers.

It is either that I have seen so many of these BFNs that it doesn’t faze me anymore, or that I am glad that I didn’t get two lines now that later ends in a miscarriage. Or it could be that it hasn’t sunk in yet. Whatever it is, I seem to be doing OK.

DH got up and must have seen the negative HPT in the bathroom. He came over to the kitchen and said “It is OK. We will get through this”. I choked up for a couple of secs but then went on with whatever I was doing. Goddamn… writing this out is making my eyes well up.

We will get through this.

10dp3dt…Scared!!

I could pretty much point you to this post to tell you how I feel right now. I wrote that when I was 9dp3dt of IVF#2-FET. Funny how nothing changes. Funny how those feelings just keep coming back. To add to that, I am now…

Scared that even if I see the two lines on a stick, I might not see a healthy heartbeat

Scared that even if I see the heartbeat, the embie won’t grow on schedule

Beta is day after tomorrow — on Tax day. I haven’t POAS’d yet. I know that if I have a healthy pregnancy, I should have a positive pee stick by now. But I am just too timid to find out. The past two mornings, as I get out of bed, I think about the possibility of “knowing”, and I think about POAS, but I am also reminded of the fact that it might be a negative, and I chicken out. On some level, I am scared of seeing the second line on the stick… especially now that I “know” on a first-hand basis that two lines does not equal to baby in 9 months! I am terrified.

As far as symptoms go, it is just like last time. I have some cramps off and on but we all know it doesn’t mean much. My boobs are just the same as they were since I started the PIO. No new soreness. I don’t know. I want this to work. I want this to work so bad.

Tomorrow is New Year’s day for us. And I am going to mend my relationship with God tomorrow, irrespective of which way this cycle goes. I am not as religious as my parents or my in-laws would like but I want to be at least in talking terms with God. On some level, I still believe in him.

I think I am going to find out tomorrow morning. I usually don’t POAS until the morning of beta, but one day earlier should not make or break the deal. Hopefully, I don’t chicken out tomorrow.

5dp3dt, Denial

By now I hope that at least one of the embies are burrowing in for the long-haul. I have had some occasional twitches and cramps, but nothing substantial and nothing that can’t be connected to the PIO. Since I don’t know any better, I would say things are relatively quiet. The only thing that I have noted down from my last IVF cycle that worked was the fact that I had some cramping on 5dp3dt. In retrospect, that might have been due to the implantation. So, I am keeping my fingers crossed and increasing the sensitivity of my cramp-monitoring-antenna.  Right now, I am battling the world of bloatiness and gas. Not surprising. But my problem is that half the time, I have a hard time figuring out whether it is gas pains or cramps. Boooo! I. want. cramps!! No blood… just cramps! Is that too much to ask??!! *sigh* I never thought I would ever say that! *sigh*

In other news, apparently my MIL might be visiting us in a month or so. And she might be staying with us for 3-4 months. She has no idea that we are going through fertility treatments. Heck… she (like all of our relatives, except my parents) is under the impression that we are not even trying because we don’t want kids yet. Sweet… isn’t it? Now I don’t know where all of this falls with respect to this IVF cycle and our next steps. If this cycle does work, I have to figure out a way to sneak around to take the PIO shots every evening. Can be done. If this doesn’t work, we might just take a break for a couple of months. But, I don’t want to postpone our next steps for too long. God… please let this cycle work… please!!! DH and I haven’t talked abt this AT ALL. I am scared to even bring it up. I am scared that one thing will lead to another and he will pull the plug on further cycles. I don’t want to deal with this now. And oh yeah… I DON’T want her to know abt all of this. I am just. not. ready to come face-to-face with the fact that we have problems getting PG. Yes… I know, it has been 2.5+ yrs since we started TTC, and I am still in denial. As of now, it is our little secret and I just want it to stay that way. If we get PG through IVF, no one will know, and no one HAS to know. Do any of you feel this way? Or do I have to get my head tested? Of course, if we end up with triplets or quads then, everyone will know and it is a totally different story. And at that point, I don’t think I would care! Just not now. Not yet!

I am just going to take a deep breath, and try to live one day at a time until I get to my beta on April 15th. Less than a week to go. Whatever happens, happens.